Thorns & roses
Dear family and friends,
I would like to dedicate this book to you as a token of appreciation as well as an apology. I am grateful to every single one of you.
Thank you for loving, nurturing and making me into the woman I am today. I know it has not been an easy journey. I decided to write this book for you, myself, and for anyone in the world battling with personal issues. I want my friends, family, and everyone else to get a better understanding of who l am because I am not the kind of person that vents, it is not an easy task. I admit that sometimes, I struggle with things but I try to show the world that I am strong or that I at least I be okay, but deep down I want to talk out my issues, share what’s on my mind but I just don’t know how so I am writing this for that very reason. Personally, I believe that “your mind is the darkest place you can ever be” especially when you’re battlingwith depression, anxiety, heartache, or generally have more stormy days than good ones. You are “tomorrow’s hope”, don’t let the world and its problems dim your light. Please continue being who you are and celebrate every little thing even if it’s just you getting out of bed because that too is an achievement, and you reading this right now, you should be proud of yourself because I know I am, so keep on fighting.
Love,
Solange
CHAPTER 1
Can you think of a moment you were truly happy, and I mean truly happy and having fun without a care in the world? They say that “Time flies when you’re having fun”. But what we tend to forget is that we cannot add time to a day. We cannot stop the waves. We cannot pause the earth’s rotation. To try to bend such realities, then, would be futile. So, the chemical reactions produced by our brain… Can we possibly go against them? That’s what I ask myself as I can up with this saying “your mind is the darkest place you can ever be”, I am not a science geek however what I didn’t add is how I think that “our brain is complex, and the science behind is just so stunning”. We cannot add anything to life by just worrying or just thinking about and for sure can’t go back in time.
I was born and raised in Uganda, I lived a very happy and adventurous life, I was awakened by sounds of drums, whistles and occasionally my mother’s slap or cold water spilled on my face. During the day, I ran and played around with my friends Flora, my siblings and at times hanged out with Gift, she was my chidhood best friend, we did all sorts of things, but she was mostly known for stealing money and I was popular for fighting, I mostly fought with boys. I remember one day I beat up Daniel at the bore whole, I’m not entirely sure why I did it, but I just know there was a man removing weeds/unwanted plants in his potato plantation and once he saw us fighting, he came over to break it. I was a very problematic child when I was growing up, but my mother says I was a good except when I was beating up people. Furthermore, at night, both I and my little siblings would lay down on a mat by our front door as we looked up at the sky trying to count the stars and trying to see if the moon was moving in the same direction as we were turning. You know when you’re young, it’s either you’re dumb or you just get excited about the most dump stuff. When I was between the age of five and eight, I started going to school at Kina Primary School, and as years passed, I moved into upper class, I was a bright kid who loved school so much to the point I would still go to school even when I was very ill. When I was in sixth grade or as it is known back home, primary four, I had a few friends who spoke Kinyarwanda, French, Runyoro and Luganda but at that time I only spoke swahili however both of my parents knew Kinyarwanda but they tried to instill in me Kiswahili, so at school friends and I would have trouble communicating because most of them didn’t know Swahili so I decided to learn Kinyarwanda and that’s how that language came to me and it’s now my favorite language, I like French but I left my country after being in French for only one month so my French isn’t that good. Over the years, I’ve learned a few lessons and tricks and the first is that every human starts with innocence; moreover, after a while we start growing up and we start to realize that what we knew things for wasn’t how they seemed. We start to discover who we are and who we want to become. It may take some time, but change is inevitable, people change, life changes and so do circumstances, and there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a process we as humans must go through.
For example, during my childhood, I had it all and everything was perfect, I never had to worry about anything in the world, my family-owned property, and products. There were some goods that were sold in the market, they were called “kabalagala” otherwise known as “Ugandan pancakes”, which are baked with flour and other spices. If you give me that, we’ll be besties for the rest of our lives, they’re so delicious, I am so addicted. We also have Ugandan beignets or mandazi, sambuusa and if I am not mistaken it is samosa in English but of course each country and culture make them differently, our samosas are made with rice instead of potatoes, meat and such. I still remember when I was about eight or nine years old when I made my first dish. It was a Saturday morning and my parents had gone out in service and because I am the oldest in the family and was bad, I wasn’t allowed to go most times, so I stayed with my little brother and sister and one of my other friends and I decided to make ugali/fufu out of the yellow corn flour, it was my favorite kind of flour and also my first time and whenever we reminisce about that that day, we say, “ we were lucky we didn’t have diarrhea” but we were so hungry so I wanted to make something. My father is the baker of the family so whenever he gets a chance, he does that for us. Moreover, I learned how to bake too as years passed but I guess you must be consistent and precise for them to come out good, so I didn’t get better until I was mid-18. I am honestly still learning and perfecting my baking. Over the years I have loved and found pleasure in two things, cooking, and dancing. I am the kind of person that finds cooking to be therapeutic. It’s like disappearing in your own world. I mean if you love traveling by plane or going on a road trip as a passenger it is liberating, like you focus on one thing the sites before your eyes and I don’t know if I will ever find the words to describe the feeling but man, cooking brings me happiness. I enjoy taking portions of spices and watching them turn into these beautiful crafts. And if you know me, you know that my favorite thing to say about food is that “I love cooking and watching people enjoy the work of my hands”. I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything in the world. Hopefully, one day I will be able to go to school for culinary arts because I would love to perfect my art and would like to add food photography to the list.
I moved when I was 12 years old and even now, I miss it sometimes and you know it took me about 6 years to accept that America is my new home. When I left home, I didn’t feel anything, I don’t if it was because I was stupid or just because of my age at the time. But life happens and we just gotta move along with it. We moved to Kampala a few months before moving to the U.S, we lived at a place called “The Exotic” hotel. The day before my flight, I fell sick. When I was growing up, I used to have this condition where my cheeks would get swollen from time to time and I couldn’t eat anything until it wore off. My face would get so swollen, my siblings would laugh at the shape of it, imagine someone sitting in front of you with two potatoes on both sides of their cheeks that’s exactly how I looked and eating made it worse and it just felt as though my cheeks were bouncing.it was funny looking to be honest so, I don’t blame them. Anyways, I fell sick and the agency in charge of immigration said “you and your family will have to stay behind” I was sad because we had to extend our stay, but I had good relations with people at that hotel, we had fun and the food was great so, I didn’t mind it. Although, I was a little sad because I didn’t want my whole family to stay back because of me. My family and I spent about another month in Kampala waiting for our departure dates. However, that day I went to this one beautiful hospital made of only glass, you could see your reflection no matter where you looked, I was sick, but it was just so beautiful, so I couldn’t keep my eyes off it. We met one of the doctors that reminded me of one of my primary school teachers, Hamimu. He was one of my favorite teachers even though he got transferred somewhere else, he was somebody that won’t pass you by without greeting you. So, I went to about three doctors that day and they tried to help me, but I don’t remember exactly what happened or how long it took for me to recover. After the medical checkup we took a taxi back to the hotel and stayed a little longer. One December evening we started getting ready to board the plane, everyone in the family got dressed up, we made sure we ate food for the journey, and the agency started calling all the people that were gonna fly. Once we were all present, we got in the big transportation buses as we drove from the hotel to the Entebbe airport. It was a sweet ride, both I and the other kids had our eyes out of the window looking at how beautiful the city was. As soon as we arrived at the airport, we got out of the bus and entered the airport waiting rooms, got the bags checked, I had beignets, Ugandan donuts, and some drinks, I had spent those few months eating those things and they were just too good, I didn’t wanna let go, but they were thrown away since the contains were big and food was not allowed in the plane. At night, the plane was ready for boarding, we passed through Belgium for the second plane, the Mediterranean Sea omg it was so beautiful, I was so in love with how peaceful it looked down there. After two days of travel, we landed at the Newark NJ international airport for our third plane. And so, the plane was ready for boarding again, we sat in there for a few more hours and soon we were in Pennsylvania. We arrived at the international airport, but we got lost because the other agency that was supposed to come pick us up and take us to our new home wasn’t there yet, so my mother was walking around as she carried my five-year-old brother on her back (the African way). My other siblings were holding some things that we had brought with us from back home. My father was riding our rolling bag.
When the agency that came to pick us up got at the airport came with a car and as soon as I sat down, I felt my body freezing because it was freakin’ cold, and I had never seen snow or even experienced that kind of weather. We had a quiet ride home, we arrived at a 3-bedroom apartment, it had a fridge but the food that was inside was too sugary and contained peas and orange chicken, salad, and fried rice. To an African, that kind of food was just disrespect because we usually don’t grow up eating salad, when my family saw it, their first thought was “do I look like a goat to you?” We headed to our rooms and there were two dolls on my bed and so I held and hugged the small teddy bear as I slowly laid down on my back. Saturday arrived, and we were all awake and sitting inside and hoped we would soon be able to find some African shops because we were not used to foods with so much sugar. People brought us food but because we were still not used to the food, we just tried our best to make sure we at least put something in our stomach. After a while, I, my father and one of my brothers decided to go to the supermarket, we took a city bus there but we were not familiar with any of the roads so we got lost and the snow was up to my knees, so got at a certain road and the driver said, “you gotta get out, this is my last stop” so we did, but we were not sure where we were so we just kept walking and hoped we’d find the store we were looking for and after about a twelve minute walk, we arrived and got foods that we hoped would help us until we were able to find the stores that had food we were used to. However, we didn’t know how to get back home so, we called for one of the people that had come to our house the night after and Dave came to pick us up.
CHAPTER 2
Beyoncé was once asked, “what’s your aspiration?” And she replied, “to be happy” We all want to be happy, but sometimes life gets the best of us. While I was sixteen years old, I got diagnosed with depression, I didn’t believe it at first, but things began to get worse as months past, the reason behind my depression was the fact that, I started feeling homesick it was as though the emotions I didn’t show or feel on the day we left home Started to build up and were waiting for the right time to explode. I started wishing that I was still home and every time I thought about here or whenever I had a small inconvenience in my life or during my day my only thought would be “I hate America” my doctor prescribed my medications, but it didn’t get better, so we tried med after med and at some point, in my life I just started getting tired of pills. I started taking meds since I was 16 up to 19, because things, problems and life started building up on each other so, I was almost always overwhelmed or worried about something and when I was eighteen years old I got diagnosed with Anxiety and rheumatoid arthritis, you know when you’re young people like to tell you what to believe or how they think you should feel and because of that they make you feel like just because you’re young, you should be immune to problems but that’s not what life is. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you will always have issues no matter if it’s your school life, being bullied, an illness or other matters, life will always throw something at you and the world just needs to learn not to justify their beliefs on how you should be feeling. I’ve been feeling more depressed than ever for over six months now, and each time I think is going to be my last but I try to stay strong and fight with my mind as I try to calm my clouded mind down.
Tonight is one of those nights that my mind becomes so clouded that I must look at the ceiling so I can get lost in space, but it doesn’t help. So, I walk on the stairs from my room that lead to the living room, and I sit there while trying to look up ways to die. And then my mother comes, and her presence disrupts my thoughts, but it doesn’t stop them from running any faster. She asks, “what are you doing here?” But I am so mad at the world that I don’t even know what to say because I’m also holding tears inside. Then she says, “I’m asking you, what are you doing here?” And I proceed to say, “do you have soda?”, she replies “I’m not sure”. I only asked her in hopes that she wouldn’t notice that I’m not okay. She then tries to find me soda, and a few minutes later, she hands me a bottle of Coca Cola and I say, “thank you” and goes back to her room. The first time I thought about killing myself was about 4 years ago, and if I’m not mistaken it was either October 4th or 30th, and only one person knows about that night.
When I was nineteen years old, I met a gentleman named Rafael, the first time we saw each other I kept raising my right hand over my head, I don’t know if it was because I was nervous or shy whichever reason it was, a few months later he teased me about it, honestly, I remember telling my sister and my friend Blessing that he wasn’t what I expected, he was so well crafted, he was the kind of Person you meet and you know right away that you’re gonna have a good time and that he/she is gonna change yourself whether you want it or not. Weeks passed, and we tried to stay in touch as much as we could, he was in college, I was pioneering and trying to figure my life out, he called me “Demama”, and I called him “Ba…” he was just too good to be true. It was 8 am and he innocently asked, “tell me something I don’t know about you” but if you’re like myself when that question pops up you instantly forget who you are it’s like your mind goes blank and you just completely sit there in silence thinking of who or what you are . So, I told him “I don’t know what to tell you, you should tell me” and he replied, “commando, how many guys have you ever beat up? Let me guess, six?” And I told him, “ probably more than that” and he kept going, “come try me” I mean I know he was a musician and for people like that words usually come off easily and smooth, I used to tell him that if he was a popular musician or someone that was all about the music industry he would have lied to girls, I don’t know man, I used to try to figure him out but I didn’t want to talk about him so much because I thought I would jinx it. The more we talked the more he challenged me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually in a good way, he made me feel like a woman as though I didn’t lack anything, he made me feel like perfection. We both were either learning to be open and honest with each other or we couldn’t shut up or at least on my end, I found myself having something to say to him every second, I started getting afraid for myself because that was known for me and I’ve never been an open book. So, we both laid bare our deepest and innermost secrets.
After knowing each other for about two months, it was as though we had known each other all our life, he understood me and he took away my breath, I knew he liked me and I knew that I also liked him but I didn’t want him to find out, somehow he decided to put all his cards on the table, he was coming back from dropping his father somewhere and he parked his car, and he said “I wanna tell you something and I want you to think about it and tell me what you think” what I liked about him is that he always gave me a chance to speak my mind even when he thought that I was being “poetic” so he expressed himself and I told him I liked him back and that was the second happiest the of my life, the first was when he came in my life. He taught me how to be myself, love and what it meant to love, to never hide my emotions, I always thank Jehovah because I feel like he sent him when I needed him most. Even though we had both said what we felt for each other, we still had some things to figure out, he lived more than a thousand miles away from my place and he was a wise man so we talked logistics and I shared Luke 14:28, it says “for example, who of you wanting to build a tower does not first sit down and calculate the expense to see if he has enough to complete it” this has always been my favorite scripture and before I decide anything I have to reread it because even if I believe that something is the right thing, I still gotta consider the circumstances surrounding whatever choice I am making because sometimes life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to. So, Rafael and I discussed the conditions and what it would mean for us being together, like I mentioned before he was in college. I also was about to start school, and the time zones were different, my today was his yesterday, he was 14 hours ahead of my state. We tried to fight reality and enjoy the moment because I’m a person that overthinks or likes to know all the sides of what I’m getting or what the next move is going to be, and he was so good at assuring me and helping to contain my thoughts. His favorite phrases were “I’m here” or “let’s just enjoy the moment” and mine were “it’s life” or “life happens” and “whatever happens, happens” so both him and I “happened” we learned to appreciate each moment spent together, we learned to be grateful of each other, but most importantly we tried our very best to encourage and make sure that we were putting Jehovah first. He sang to me, I wrote him poems, for some reasons he thought I was beautiful which is sort of weird because I thought he was too handsome, I probably shouldn’t be saying this since I got scriptures in here but it was as though he was made in a lab but I mean among many other things, that was a bonus for me. He showered me with love and treated me like a princess. So, then he asked me, “What’s something you’ve ever done that nobody knows?” I mean I’ve done a lot of crazy things, but this stood out, so I told him, “I once wrote a suicide note” He didn’t take me seriously, so I had to convince him that it was. I was in one of the darkest places back when I was about sixteen, I was very lost. I’ve always loved writing since I was little, but that period was when I really got into poetry. In the end, he understood, and that was the last time we talked about it, but I don’t know. Sometimes I think he worries about me or maybe I’m just hoping he doesn’t. Rafael was also the kind of person that if it was raining, he would give you his umbrella and still hold it for you, he always our others first even when he needed to do the same for himself.He had this beautiful smile and a chuckle that was just one of a kind, I don’t know how to explain but I think he only had that chuckle when he was trying to stay patient with me while also not being surprised. We broke up after dating for about three months, I mean I don’t blame him, I think I was too much for him and came with a lot of baggage. I would have left too but whatever his reasons were, I do respect them. Sometimes I think to myself that we were both in over our heads or that we bit more than we could chew because even though there were things we knew were going to be obstacles towards our relationship, we thought we could beat it. He serenaded me with his music and told me about how he wished that I was there, and it was the same for me to. When you’re in love and in a long-distance relationship, you learn to value your partner and the little things and efforts are what matter most. So, even though things may have ended too soon, I will never regret meeting him because he was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
CHAPTER 3
Days turned into weeks, the breakup was one of the hardest things, I’ve experienced because my mental and emotional health started relapsing and deteriorating, I cried myself to sleep and wished that I would end the pain, I stayed in my bed all the time, I started calling off from work because I was in so much pain and didn’t want to deal with people. I talked one of the people I considered family because she knows me more than anyone else, we met five or six years ago and went to high school together for a little bit, we shared our pain, love story and we just understand each other you know even though sometimes we may not see something the same way, we still respect each other enough to be honest with whatever we thought about something. She was the first to know that Rafa and I were talking and I trust her with a lot of things, so she’s always the first to know when I have something going on. So, before the breakup I told her, “By the way, I think me and my bae are broken up or will be broken up, I don’t know’. She said, “girl, what?” and all I could think was “I’m tired of this” so she asked, “you are not serious, time zone?” so I told her that we had a big talk and he told me that we were young, and, in the future, we may wake up two completely changed people with different needs and desires”. Basically, we want today might not be what we want tomorrow. so, I mean I used to want to get married around twenty but when I met him, it didn’t matter when, how or where we got married if he had asked me to get married right then, in five years or whatever, if I had him, I wouldn’t even have worried about a big wedding, I would have even taken just the two of us and an elder or two to wed us. Nothing else in the world mattered for me, I felt so blessed, I always told my mom that with him everything felt so right, like Jehovah has shown favor on me.
Chapter 4
Depression, the silent killer! But what really is depression? The world and society have its own definition, they perceive as mental illness or that whoever is suffering from that are a menace to society. People don’t take it seriously until they see you dead. I have lost a few people to depression, and some are still fighting with it. I know that having experienced depression, it is hard to talk about when all people want to do is judge or explain to you that you shouldn’t feel that way or that “you have it all why are you depressed?” but sometimes having food and a bed won’t prevent you from suffering from it and it is not fun because sometimes things get darker than the day before. The truth is when someone is depressed, they don’t want to hear “I know you will get better or don’t worry” because all they want is for you to just listen. I understand that we all want what’s best for our loved ones and its much appreciated. Being African and depressed is very hard because we are mostly taught to toughen up but sometimes life toughens us up more than it should and because we don’t address the elephant in the room, we end up isolating ourselves and bottling up negative emotions because we don’t have outlets and when we do, our words and emotions get used against us or we get teased about it. I believe that we don’t have enough knowledge in our community about mental and emotional health. I mean we feel sad, and our hearts feel heavy from time to time but its as though we are not allowed or supposed to be having those kinds of emotions. Also speaking from experience, it is not ok to tell someone “tomorrow will be better, stay strong” because when I’m struggling like that all I’m trying to do is get through the current situation, I am in a dark whole and I’m not worried about tomorrow and I am just trying to figure out how and if I’m going to survive it because trust me, most days, I feel like giving up but I rely on Jehovah and always pray to him because he is the one that knows and understand us human more than anyone ever could.I would have never imagined how much it hurts to suffer and fight with depression if I had never experienced it. My friend, Chloe used to tell me about how messy her depression used to get, she cut her wrists and she was the oldest in the family so she had two little sisters that she had to take care of. Chloe’s mother had an abusive boyfriend, I told her to call me whenever things got bad and I could hear the boyfriend in the background yelling and saying “you are not enough and you are a curse” I encouraged her to stay close to Jehovah and she said “my grandma teaches me the Bible and helps me and I pray to Jehovah”