The beginning I really like the start with the name and then that transition from what felt like these kind of inequalities for a child actually translate into these huge real big real world problems I really like that transition and then I would say that the and I I kind of like the the power move of saying you know we need to see this as self-improvement and you know patriotic self-criticism.
I think that’s a nice move as well from there though then I think that there’s a little bit less clarity in terms of what the problem is that you’re addressing there’s a lot of assumptions here I should say and So what I want to recommend that you do from that point on you know, take your first page and I think you can still do some revision you know sentence to sentence stuff
The priority for this first pass I think the injustices we face section and then that from that point forward I think you need to think about how to reorganize so that you’re telling the story of the situation you know what is the problem what what is exactly ’cause I think that the shura council story kind of derails the explanation of what the situation is so that it kind of jumps around in a way that is less easy to you know make into a cohesive argument and that like some of the really important things are like just casually mentioned in like a tiny phrase, so it’s really that main section that in the injustices we face I think that’s the priority section that I would suggest going back to and revising and reorganizing to kind of tell the story to give the give the facts layout the inequalities.
I do like the final section which is to say you know why is it that we are afraid of addressing the problem but I think that you can speak to the idea that the idea that we I say we as your voice you know in the in the paper of course that you know cuture has aspirations to be this you know global participant right to host things like FIFA and other issues and you know that it’s you know one of its big struggles on the world stage is of course attention for inequality and here you can sort of see that you know there are large inequalities that exist in color but that even in the citizen population right there are these institutionalized inequities and that you know if if you could think about the strategic vision document if you want or you could think about find something elsewhere Carter characterizes itself as being this kind of like place that values you know values its citizens or people in general and you know try to make the argument that it’s like basically what you have to convince readers of is that it is in cultures interest not to have these inequities bound up in its institutions right that that having these divisions of an hierarchy of citizenship you know is at the very base except for you know for extended inequality and of course if we look outward from citizens you know it gets even more hierarchical sized so I think that the real the real thrust of the final section I think should be that right it’s you know that it’s in the interest of Qatar itself to address these inequalities because that’s the most motivating argument you can make right so just recognizing the equality is probably something that people already know you know and you know in that next step is is why is it in our interest not to have these and why do we need to kind of like take care of this within the country within the citizenship if that makes sense OK so I’ll leave it at that i think that i’d like to see this reorganization passed before our meeting or at the time of our meeting if you just bring it but just make sure that you’ve done that revision before we we come together again and then we can zoom in a little bit more on sentence level and paragraph level you know cohesion and coherence and style stuff OK alright